Turning My Back On "Gay"

The Diary Of A Single Gay Man (Blog #4)

Exhausted....exasperated....down for the count....Have you ever felt like this before?  When is it ok to throw in the proverbial towel when it feels like you're in a room screaming at the top of your lungs yet no one can hear you?  Yes beloved readers todays lovely blog is about boiling points and frustration.  I honestly wasn't going to right another blog until Valentine's Day (glutton for my own twisted punishment) but tonight I think I have reached the bottom of the barrel, when it was pointed out to me that I am not hanging out in the proper places to find myself a guy in my age range or league.... ok so what is my league?  What category am I being tossed into now?  It's not enough that I already am thrown into a whole other sector of society because of my sexuality but now I am going to be tossed like a rag doll into sub divisions of an even more segregated community.  I am screaming now: WHEN DOES IT STOP?????  

I have never fit the mold of the attractive gay man....I'm not tall, I'm not thin (had to resort to lap band surgery because its been pounded into my head that fat gay guys get no one), I'm not a jock, I'm not straight acting, I'm not a top, I'm not young enough (anymore)....so basically should I just hand in my gay card all curled up at the edges and faded from sitting in my back pocket for all these years?  I am fed up to the Nth degree and I'm tired of this community and its rules and its views.  Guess what for the first time ever...I am NOT proud to be gay!  I'm tired of being gay....I'm tired of trying to fit in and I'm tired of all the segregation in a community that should be banning together in the wake of all the positive governmental changes that are about to take place for our people.  

I am honestly ready to trade in my rainbow flag for a white flag and I will wave it in surrender.....i think it's worse to have people in your own community casting stones at you then a straight guy landing a punch on your face....I'd rather the latter of the two at this stage of the game as sickening as it may sound!
I will ask my readers this question:  What can WE do to change this?  What can WE do to make it easier to live this lifestyle?  What can WE do to stop judging each other and start giving people a chance even if they don't have six pack abs?

In a community that longs to always be younger, always be on the cutting edge, always discover the next hottest thing....where does a pending 35 year old stand?  When the guys my age are trolling for teenagers to fulfill that "I Still Got It" quotient and the guys younger then me say I'm too old and too washed up?(Reminder:  I can STILL dance circles around your playpen asses ANYDAY and I have hundreds of witnesses to testify to that...old man my ass!)

Until the day comes that we as a community as gay men and women can ban together in solidarity and treat each other as equals....I think i'm going to bow out and focus on other sectors of my life....I am alienating myself from family and heterosexual friends to fight the good fight to a losing battle....so maybe i should quit while i'm ahead....maybe it's time to redirect my energy into something that will be more productive TO ME that will make ME happy....maybe it's time I kick the "gay" out of my car and leave it on the side of the road to think about how it's going to apologize to me for sucking the life out of me and giving me nothing but stress, bitterness and a dabbling drug habit....maybe just maybe then...will accept "gay" back into my life for a second chance....you hear that "gay"?  Clean up your act and treat me with respect and kindness because I fought for years for you...now it's time YOU fight for ME!

Thanks for reading...till next time...

xoxo - Ron "The Single Gay Man"